I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
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I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Oh deer
