I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
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Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.