I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
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I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.