Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce