I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
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Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.