Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

new shirt idea

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*