*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
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*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I put the h in mysterious.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
*pronounces fake like saké*
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”