I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
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Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Great Canadian literature.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.