Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

Dishonest mechanic?

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

found my next D&D character name

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

There’s never enough good news

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!