I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
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My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.