Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf