Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

finally

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

But is it really??

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”