Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

Bringing home a sharpie

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice