I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
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Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.