Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…

Well, toucan play at that game.

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face