Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Dyslexics are teople poo!

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.