I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
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A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?