I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
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Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Children of the Corn Man
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.