I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
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Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
This is why I hate group projects
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Stick it to the man
opening twitter today
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Breakfast in bed.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.