Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

✨☝️✨

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

It be like that sometimes 😆

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

Most Common Source of Electricity

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))