I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
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when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan