I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
*files a restraining order against reality*
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in