Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
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pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Somebody’s lying.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.