I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
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Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
