I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
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I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Dishwasher: *starts*
Peanut butter on knife: LMAO
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Hang in there buddy
