I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
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me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.