I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
You Might Also Like
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”