Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…

There’s safety in numb-bears.

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

can’t bark with your mouth full

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.