Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual