I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
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All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Put a ring on it
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”