I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
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Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My life coach traded me.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them