I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
If snakes were wide
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*