I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
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Never let them know your next move 😂
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’