I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
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seems like a niche market
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.