Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

So we got a goldfish…

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché