Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

😂 amazing answer

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.