I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
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Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.