Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

a New Yorker reject, for you

They got a point!

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*