I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
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dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Mornin. * use accordingly
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭