I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
i’m still crying at this
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.