Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

May your day taste like creamy soup.

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.

ME: A John Dough

HER: Get out!

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin