I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Science memes
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers