Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

Breaking news:

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

is he marrying that labradoodle

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

I just tested negative for patience.

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan