Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

🙅🏻

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

What flavor cupcake are these

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

My life coach traded me.

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird