I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
marvel comics have peaked
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test