Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.