Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.

JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

Someone just threatened to call me later

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

Me checking my bank balance online.

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.