I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
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ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Hot Hot Hot
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I’m hunting wabbits…
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.