I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
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Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
Best table by far
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Wow 🤣
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried