Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Ummm 😳

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.