Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.