I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
👽
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.