I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
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The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Seems legit.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
how to have fun when you’re poor
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
“Why you watching this shit?”
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.