Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”