I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
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Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
What a year we’ve had this week.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
🤣😂
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…