I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
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Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I hope Alan is OK
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.