I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
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“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
🚲+physics = winner
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Why I divorced her.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*