I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
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“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be