i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
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Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!