i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
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NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Alexa turn off the planet
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
same vibe as tangled headphones
