I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
It kinda feels like this rn
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!