I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
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to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.