I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
You Might Also Like
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.