Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up