Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.