Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool