“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
You Might Also Like
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Love this guy
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets