“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
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Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
what is cheese if not milk persevering