“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
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“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Taking phone security to the next level.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.