I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
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Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Someone is coming to fix the boiler (again) so my Friday night is about to get very hot and steamy (because I’ll be able to have a bath, not because I’m planning sexy shenanigans with the plumber)