Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.