Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

God has abandoned us.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

Why is this me 😫

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

A completely valid reaction tbh

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed