Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.