Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
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Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert’s funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. “Me want cookies,” he sadly intones. “Me want cookies.”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
[CON WALKS FREE]
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
ME: AND SO IS HE!
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that