@WheelTod

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

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@Mom_Overboard

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

@BuckyIsotope

Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert’s funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. “Me want cookies,” he sadly intones. “Me want cookies.”

@TheFaceOfDave

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

@TheRealNickKay

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

@FredTaming

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

@GrowlyGrego

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

@UncleDuke1969

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

@paopao619

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

@ArfMeasures

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that