I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
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“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
meow
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.