I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
