I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
grotesque if literal: baby food
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
