Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

“what’s it like having a sister?”

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

This is no longer winter this is harassment

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.