Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

SONOFA

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …